i debated for a long time whether or not i should write in this journal right now, or just drop the whole thing, because it seems everytime i have tried to communicate my feelings...i'm "yelling"...so i dunno, i don't wanna hear that anymore..but i need to say some stuff too..
I love all five of you lots, and i understand that we all have research projects, and i think its sweet that cari and sam are getting closer :) that rocks my socks! hah..
and i also agree that me chels + amber aren't tryin' to get revenge or rub things in ur faces or any sort of thing like that...(although me being an only child, is what i want to do, to protect myself, although i'm trying really hard to fix this and not be a bitch)
And honestly, i haven't really felt any bad things toward sam, because, i dunno...she's always been kinda..not caring who shes with, just basically bein' happy. :-D and she hasn't really changed towards me in any sort of way, and i love you and thank you for being so understanding about this whole thing.
sadly though, i do feel some anger towards cari. and truly, i know that its not anything super important that is life altering...because even now we're fine, but i need to say some things, because i admit it right now that i have said some angry things to people...and in my opinion, i if i have the guts to say stuff like that, i better be able to back it up and say it to their face right?
cari, we've had alot of good times together...alot...and i love you and i'm glad we have had our times, and our talks and our laughs!!! i love being around ya and whatnot..its just lately, you've been doin' stuff that really, i dunno, bothers me. and i'm sure i do things that bother you too. in fact i don't doubt it. and if i do, by all means tell me..cuz i wanna know.
but everytime i tried to bring certain things up, to explain not hurt you..you got mad and said i was yelling at you. i wasn't trying to..honestly. i guess i was wrong in thinking you would wanna know what people think about certain things. you even said you were happy i had the guts to say that stuff to you. thats what a true friend is. they tell you when you have a booger hangin' outta ur nose and everyones talkin' about it, instead of just laughing. if that analogy made any sense, whatsoever ;)
but i'm over all those arguements, and i'm sorry if the things i said hurt you in any way. i promise. sometimes i talk outta my ass, and i think the things i say aren't as bad as they are...so i take it back. all of it. i love you and i'm sorry.
one other thing thats bothered me..when i told amber that i thought her taking blake would be a good idea...i never imagined it would cause such a hub-bub. i honestly was truly happy that amber would get to have one single formal dance with someone who could actually treat her right. and i was flabbergasted that you weren't equally happy. i understood your point of view...to a point. but other than that i didn't get it. and i understand that this isn't really my business, but then again it is. i know you talked to amber and stuff and i dunno how that went, but i really thought that it was selfish of you to react like that. i'm sorry for feeling this way, and i probably shouldn't, but i don't want any bad thoughts in between us..or things that i said that you never knew about.
i'm saying this in the community, rather than in an email, because i want this to be stopped..and things to go back to normal. i love you sooo much care bear, and i don't want you to be angry with me or anything, because i'm truly truly sorry for everything, and i was mad at myself, and i forgave myself, and now i need you to forgive me too. i'm sorry again...
i think what hurt the most, is that me chels and amber missed you guys...and acted like it :-p
but you guys seemed happy in your own world...i dunno it kinda hurt, but like sam said..people always pair off. it happens
i just don't want this to be the end of the god damned bobsledding fucking jamaicans alright?
anyone wanna get their feelins out...feel free, and then maybe we can start over sorta.
i love you all soo much and we've had such good times together, if you really think about it, our group is unique and special, and we shouldn't lose it over stupid reasons.
i'm sorry for being a bitch, whenever i am a bitch, but i'm human, and i'm still learning how to be friends with such hot girlies ;)
mucho love to you all....